*This may sound weird, but growing up I always wanted to be a single mom. OMG-I know it sounds ridiculous. There was a girl that I grew up with...middle school and on through high school. It was just her and her mom...they seemed so happy. She saw her dad often, and loved her dad, but her life just seemed so fun, so drama free. Just she and her mama. She didn't have siblings, she didn't have her parents arguing in here ear all the time....she SEEMED to have a simple life. However, after living what I have lived for the last 7 months, I think about her still...YEARS later and wonder if her life was as "great" as I thought it was. It couldn't have been. She had to have been so sad her parents were split. I hope that my boys aren't sad, they don't seem sad. But I can definitely tell that it effects them. Especially Eli. I don't think he is confused, I think he is just frustrated. He is always being pulled, what seems, every other day. I want the boys to see their dad, I just HATE that they have to go back and forth every other day. Hopefully these things will change soon. And we will have a better schedule for them so they aren't being tossed back and forth so often, but each of us gets to see them for the amount of time we want/need/deserve. Anyways....I am GLAD that Zach and I are not together anymore. He quickly has become an extremely different person, not one I ever loved. But I am sad that my boys have to live a life where they have to split their time with their parents. They are supposed to be happy and wake up in one house and stay in one house. I just hope that one day Zach and I can be in the same room as friends. . .not just as Eli and Izaaks mom and dad, eventually. We get along well in front of the boys. And I am really starting to be ok with his girlfriend, believe it or not. even if she is part of the reason he left...if not the entire reason. She lets me know how the boys are doing, when they have them and they absolutely adore her. She loves them. Sometimes I wish she would go be a teenager, and have fun with her friends and not feel like she has to be there to take care of the boys all of the time, because that is not her job. . .but I appreciate her. I know it sounds weird, and its taken me a while to get to this point with her, but I am there. I like her more than I like him...thats for damn sure. I actually trust her more than I trust him, but thats a different story for a different day. :)
*Another thing...I just need a day...or 2. And I keep saying it. And this weekend I'm going to get it. Zach is taking the boys 2 nights instead of one so I can get up and go out of town to visit my best friends cousins and family. They are amazing people and they know how to have a good time. And while I'm so glad I'm getting away...I am going to want to puke the whole time. I HATE being away from my kids. I know they have to go, I just think its stupid and I hate it. When I always ask their dad how they are, he either doesn't answer or it takes him forever to answer me to the point of me making myself sick about it. . .which causes me to call him or text his girlfriend, which usually causes an arguement, because I'm so pissed off. I answer him immediately everytime he actually asks about the boys. Just annoys me. ((sorry for that rant)) I need to be away, but I hate to be away. Izaak isn't sleeping and ontop of life itself, its just draining me. (i know you want me to try the cry it out method...tried it...can't do it and he won't do it.) So I don't know what to do. I just hate being away from them, HATE, but need to have time to be an adult and not change 15 poopy diapers a day. (and I'm kinda not kidding, my kids crap a lot)
*Lastly....something that has been heavy on my mind this week. I had a good friend get Colts tickets for the Monday Night game. . .and he didn't even ask if I could go with him. I was so upset. He would have asked, but he knew what my answer would be. I have a lot of friends with kids, but they have husbands or boyfriends or parents that help quite often. I have to plan my life around every other weekend, and frankly I don't find this fair. I am NOT saying my parents don't help. They help so much! But they help when I am at work (mom always gets Eli early from school/babysitter and Izaak early from whereever he is on any day) but I already live with them, for now, and I don't want them to think I'm taking advantage of them...so I NEVER ask them to watch either one of the boys, so that I can go do something fun. I would have loved to go to the colts game, but that would have meant my mom would have had to wake up with the Izaak and Eli would have run all over the living room while falling down every 2 minutes ( he is a horrible walker, still...the kid has zero balance),and would have drove my father insane to the point where I would have felt so terrible for leaving them with my parents that I wouldn't be able to deal. So I wouldn't have gone, and my friend knew this. And it just upsets me. I don't get the option. If I am not at work, I am with my boys. I come straight home and take care of them. I am BEYOND thankful for them. I am a bit on the obsessed side with both of them, but I'm just sad that some people get the option and I don't. . .and I feel like I'm losing friendships because of it....kinda not fair. I dont think anyone is mad at me, they just kind of forget I exist. There have been a lot of things recently that I haven't gotten invited to, or just forgotten about because "Oh, you have the boys." They know my answers will usually be "no," but it hurts me that they just skip over my name in the list of friends and assume. Now...I'm not saying EVERYONE does that. I have a lot of friends who say...oh please come and bring the boys....and I'm not mad at anyone. Just kinda sad that I know a few people that get the option to do whatever it is that they want to do, and I don't. NOT that I would....but I don't get the option. I simply want the option.
I know I'm being a "girl" and emotional at the moment. But just let me. I am happy. I can say that. I am happier than I was when Zach and I were living together. And don't think I'm bashing him in this. Things between us are better. They aren't great...but they are better, which is saying a lot. I am just frustrated this week. I just have a few kinks to work out...and some things to deal with. I will just put on my big girl underwear (I hate the word panties) and deal with it.
Hope all is well with all of you, my friends. :)
ps. cutest story ever. tonight I was making a bottle for Izaak and getting things ready for bed. I sat Izaak on the couch and Eli was just walking around the living room watching cartoons and playing with his toys.And Izaak started SCREAMING. I was just talking "oh Izaak, its ok, I"m coming, I promise....." blah blah. Eli climbed up onto the couch tried to give him a teething toy thingy, and he didn't want it, so Eli gave him his pacifier and rubbed his cheek until he stopped crying. THAT is why its ok that I dont get the option. If I was out doing something else, I would have missed that. I love these little men.so.very.much!
xoxo
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