and there you have it.....

Disclaimer...I don't anticipate this post being bad (but don't hold me to it), but just letting you know this is MY blog. It is MY journal that I am entitled to writing on...and about MY life. I have put off writing about my life the last couple weeks because I was concerned I would upset people or step on toes...because a lot of people read this. HOWEVER, that is the reason I am going to blog about recent happenings;because people do read this and they do care about me and my babies and our life. So there you go....if you continue to read and get upset..then get upset with yourself. You should know me well enough to know I don't hold much back and I've done well this long with holding back.....
But this isn't mean to be hateful or mean. It is just simply my life. I have had tons and tons of people ask me whats going on...soooooooo

Here goes nothing......


Zach and I are no longer together. He is gone and Eli and I (and baby) are moving out of the house as soon as everything gets processed and worked out.
Zach suddenly decided that "our life" isn't the life that he wanted anymore. This was his decision and his decision only. It happened so incredibly fast, I still feel like I'm living in a movie. I have gone through every emotion possible in the last 2.5 weeks. I don't know that I have ever felt so sad, mad, pathetic and like I have failed at something so terribly.
A lot of things led up to this. I will NEVER, EVER blame myself for what happened...this was ENTIRELY Zach's decision. (I will not speak badly of him, b/c he is the father of my children and I do still care for him....) But I know that I didn't make it all that easy. This pregnancy has been extremely stressful for me. I have been on a hormonal roller coaster that included a lot of crying and depression issues. He dealt with this, and promised he would never leave me because of it, but apparently this didn't hold true. I hid a lot of my emotional issues except from him, because he was my partner...the love of my life...the one I thought I could always count on to accept me for who I was and what I was/am going through...but I guess he wasn't who I thought he was, or it just got to be too much. But despite all of the emotions and issues I have had while being pregnant, I still feel he had no right to simply quit. (and don't you worry your pretty little hearts...he knows EXACTLY how I feel about all of this)
A lot of horrible, hurtful things have been said over the last 2.5 weeks. And I won't lie...most of them were said BY me, TO him. As well as sadness, I also have so much anger towards him. How can you just up and leave your girlfriend of 3.5 years, and your 14 month old baby boy (who was VERY sick at the time he decided to leave) ?...and please don't forget...I'm due to have a baby in a month. But this is how he has decided to live his life and although I'm livid and extremely sad, but I would rather him do this now than to do this when the boys are older and would be capable of remembering.
I was taught to NEVER quit just because things got uncomfortable. I was taught that you try your absolute hardest, take all roads possible and if then it just doesn't work, then consider your options. You don't just quit. You NEVER just give up. Failure is just not an option for me....I plan to teach my boys this.
I am so sad...so so so sad that my children have to now have 2 Christmases, Thanksgivings, Easters, Birthdays, etc. I'm crying just typing this now because it just shreds my heart even more.. I am having a very hard time with the fact that my boys are going to have to have split holidays and weeks and/weekends. I have seen what this can do to young children and it isn't pretty. I will do the best I can to make sure they know they are loved very much.
A lot of things were said....and I am not going to put them on here because of the anger they caused me...I know the anger they will cause others. Its disheartening that this is how things have ended up. Its been a very lonely 2.5 weeks. Eli and I come home alone...cuddle...watch cartoons and go to bed. He has seen Zach a few times....but we won't even go there right now. THAT particular wound is still WIIIIIIDE open, and you don't want to see what I have to say about that.
I don't really know where to go from here.This is not how I ever envisioned my life. We were finally talking marriage a month or so ago...planning our life and all of the amazing things we were going to do with our boys, then one day POOF..."I don't love you anymore." I always imagined the family vacations, the awesome Christmases, the weekend getaways, the summer nights of Zach and the boys playing in the backyard while I did "Mommy things"....my dreams of our perfect family are gone.
I have applied to live at a few apartments and am waiting to hear back from them..hopefully in the next week or so. But like I said..my heart hurts for these little boys. I will cry and feel sorry for myself from time to time....but it isn't about me anymore, at all. It is about these boys. These little babies who didn't ask to be brought into this world, or put into this position. It makes me so so sad. I want someone to wake me from this dream. And I won't lie, even though I want to beat him up terribly at times...I want Zach to call and say he was wrong, and that he does still love me....us.....and that he wants to make it work. But it isn't going to happen...so the show must go on.
Please keep us in your prayers. I am so thankful for my parents and my amazing family and friends who have helped me with watching Eli while I work and who have listened to my endless hours of tears, and sadness. I for sure haven't been the worlds best company these last few weeks. I am so blessed to have Eli...who is arguably the most amazing and coolest kid ever. . .even if he does like to hit people in the face. :)

There you have it. And please note that was, by far, the G rated version. I could have definitely cut loose....but that wouldn't change anything. Thanks again for everyones love :) Me, E and "Bob" are going to be just fine.....we will be just fine.

xoxo
Tay

quick....

I know a lot of you have been checking on here to see how we are doing right now. Eli is 100% recovered from his VIRUS....he was misdiagnosed! They said he had pneumonia and really it was a horrible virus that attacked his little body, and left him lifeless. He is back to himself. Rotten and all! But he really is the cutest, coolest little kid EVER! :) It was really THE scariest time of my life. I will update you with all of that soon enough..maybe even tonight if I don't fall asleep first. haha!

Also, WE (me, Eli and "Bob") have had quite a week...or 10 days, and I'm not really up for discussing it at the moment. Lets just say its a VERY messy and lonely life at the moment. And A LOT of changes are about to be made. This was not my hope. I am devistated about it. It wasn't my plan for life, but we don't always get to pick our route in life, I think its picked for us, unfortunately.

Just pray for us and know that wherever we may end up will be where are supposed to be.

I promise I'll be writing soon.

xoxo

Book Tree

Who is going to build this for me...maybe even 2 of them (one for each of the boys rooms)? Could be one of the neatest things ever :) I am in love with it. And I'm serious.....
xoxo

Tay

photos

Playing so nicely with his toys......or so i thought.

he's playing with DVDS...but it doesnt matter b/c he hears and sees the flash on the camera and he is DONE playing.....


here he comes




butt crack :)

playing at nana's


eyeing that pizza in poppies office after a game


he really needs that pizza.


and he wins. :)


hellllo there sir.


and who really needs toys when you can play with the gate.


precious blue eyes


love the ears.


bed head!


my view. all day long.


yelling at the dog, I would imagine.


Olivia came to play! We love O! :)





my kid won't walk. so he carries things in his mouth while crawling....safe..i think not.


hey, I told you we love Olivia! :)....leave him alone. he gets it honest :)


xoxo

Emotions

The many emotions of my Eli Eli O. HE likes to beat on my NEW....let me repeat NEW camera...and this isn't allowed. He doesnt understand this. So here are a few shots I snapped of him not so happy about it. I'm pretty sure we need a frame for a few of these so he has documentation of this fit when he is 16. You will actually notice at one point he starts to laugh to "sweet talk" me into letting him hold the camera...when I wouldn't let him, the drama continued :)


not sure why the red box is there..whateva!:)

xoxo
Tay

THE brush

Just ask Eli where his brush is....if it isn't in his hand...he will start crying and begin to look frantically for it. He sleeps with it. He carries it everywhere. He eats with it on his highchair tray(which annoys me b/c he gets it sticky and nasty and I clean it alllllll the stinkin time). We fight just to get him to switch it to another hand when I am getting him dressed....its a horrible battle. He went to the Doctor the other day (I had fears of another ear infection....but she says his gums are swollen and its his molars), and as he lay on the little tray thingy to weigh him...naked....he had to hold his brush. All of the Doctors and Nurses thought it was hilarious that he would brush his hair on demand. He was even so kind to brush the nurses hair that was weighing him. He has a toothbrush (2 of them actually) too that he carries around sometimes, and he will brush his teeth on demand as well..but the hair brush is the crucial part of our day. We thought we lost it for about a day, so when we were at Walmart I picked up another one...not the same one..and you would've thought I was the worst mom ever. He won't touch the thing. He looks at me like "You are crazy, lady."

At least he has good hygiene.

Realllllly?!?

http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/03/02/brooklyn.babies.in.bars/index.html?eref=rss_mostpopular&utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+rss%2Fcnn_mostpopular+%28RSS%3A+Most+Popular%29

Monday Morning Mania :)

Snapped a few photos with my cell phone yesterday morning and these are a few I got :)


He LOVES to point at the camera. How cute is this? Really?!


Everytime we get onto the computer he crawls up in our lap and bangs ont he computer (so much that one time he disabled the mouse and we went into panic on how to fix it....thank you Audra :) )My mom found this little PINK AND PURPLE laptop at CVS for $15!! What a steal! He loves it. He still wants to see what we are doing when we are on the computer, but this definitely helps out!! Perhaps I can blog more when he's awake? I won't hold my breath!


Eli HATES getting his diaper changed. HATES. I repeat HATES. He yells and cries and screams at me all the time about it. So one day I put a diaper on my head to try ot make him laugh and enjoy the cleaning of the butt process, and ever since then he enjoys wearing diapers on his head :) Thus proving......that he is growing up and is copying everything we do...we have a lot of work to do..yikes!


:)
xoxo
Tay