and there you have it.....

Disclaimer...I don't anticipate this post being bad (but don't hold me to it), but just letting you know this is MY blog. It is MY journal that I am entitled to writing on...and about MY life. I have put off writing about my life the last couple weeks because I was concerned I would upset people or step on toes...because a lot of people read this. HOWEVER, that is the reason I am going to blog about recent happenings;because people do read this and they do care about me and my babies and our life. So there you go....if you continue to read and get upset..then get upset with yourself. You should know me well enough to know I don't hold much back and I've done well this long with holding back.....
But this isn't mean to be hateful or mean. It is just simply my life. I have had tons and tons of people ask me whats going on...soooooooo

Here goes nothing......


Zach and I are no longer together. He is gone and Eli and I (and baby) are moving out of the house as soon as everything gets processed and worked out.
Zach suddenly decided that "our life" isn't the life that he wanted anymore. This was his decision and his decision only. It happened so incredibly fast, I still feel like I'm living in a movie. I have gone through every emotion possible in the last 2.5 weeks. I don't know that I have ever felt so sad, mad, pathetic and like I have failed at something so terribly.
A lot of things led up to this. I will NEVER, EVER blame myself for what happened...this was ENTIRELY Zach's decision. (I will not speak badly of him, b/c he is the father of my children and I do still care for him....) But I know that I didn't make it all that easy. This pregnancy has been extremely stressful for me. I have been on a hormonal roller coaster that included a lot of crying and depression issues. He dealt with this, and promised he would never leave me because of it, but apparently this didn't hold true. I hid a lot of my emotional issues except from him, because he was my partner...the love of my life...the one I thought I could always count on to accept me for who I was and what I was/am going through...but I guess he wasn't who I thought he was, or it just got to be too much. But despite all of the emotions and issues I have had while being pregnant, I still feel he had no right to simply quit. (and don't you worry your pretty little hearts...he knows EXACTLY how I feel about all of this)
A lot of horrible, hurtful things have been said over the last 2.5 weeks. And I won't lie...most of them were said BY me, TO him. As well as sadness, I also have so much anger towards him. How can you just up and leave your girlfriend of 3.5 years, and your 14 month old baby boy (who was VERY sick at the time he decided to leave) ?...and please don't forget...I'm due to have a baby in a month. But this is how he has decided to live his life and although I'm livid and extremely sad, but I would rather him do this now than to do this when the boys are older and would be capable of remembering.
I was taught to NEVER quit just because things got uncomfortable. I was taught that you try your absolute hardest, take all roads possible and if then it just doesn't work, then consider your options. You don't just quit. You NEVER just give up. Failure is just not an option for me....I plan to teach my boys this.
I am so sad...so so so sad that my children have to now have 2 Christmases, Thanksgivings, Easters, Birthdays, etc. I'm crying just typing this now because it just shreds my heart even more.. I am having a very hard time with the fact that my boys are going to have to have split holidays and weeks and/weekends. I have seen what this can do to young children and it isn't pretty. I will do the best I can to make sure they know they are loved very much.
A lot of things were said....and I am not going to put them on here because of the anger they caused me...I know the anger they will cause others. Its disheartening that this is how things have ended up. Its been a very lonely 2.5 weeks. Eli and I come home alone...cuddle...watch cartoons and go to bed. He has seen Zach a few times....but we won't even go there right now. THAT particular wound is still WIIIIIIDE open, and you don't want to see what I have to say about that.
I don't really know where to go from here.This is not how I ever envisioned my life. We were finally talking marriage a month or so ago...planning our life and all of the amazing things we were going to do with our boys, then one day POOF..."I don't love you anymore." I always imagined the family vacations, the awesome Christmases, the weekend getaways, the summer nights of Zach and the boys playing in the backyard while I did "Mommy things"....my dreams of our perfect family are gone.
I have applied to live at a few apartments and am waiting to hear back from them..hopefully in the next week or so. But like I said..my heart hurts for these little boys. I will cry and feel sorry for myself from time to time....but it isn't about me anymore, at all. It is about these boys. These little babies who didn't ask to be brought into this world, or put into this position. It makes me so so sad. I want someone to wake me from this dream. And I won't lie, even though I want to beat him up terribly at times...I want Zach to call and say he was wrong, and that he does still love me....us.....and that he wants to make it work. But it isn't going to happen...so the show must go on.
Please keep us in your prayers. I am so thankful for my parents and my amazing family and friends who have helped me with watching Eli while I work and who have listened to my endless hours of tears, and sadness. I for sure haven't been the worlds best company these last few weeks. I am so blessed to have Eli...who is arguably the most amazing and coolest kid ever. . .even if he does like to hit people in the face. :)

There you have it. And please note that was, by far, the G rated version. I could have definitely cut loose....but that wouldn't change anything. Thanks again for everyones love :) Me, E and "Bob" are going to be just fine.....we will be just fine.

xoxo
Tay