Chapter:Moving On :)

First of all, let me start this out by saying I have had an EXTREMELY long day. I thought it would never end. Both of the boys have bad colds. Eli's nose is running all sorts of green snot. It's yucky. Izaak doesn't have any snot, he just has a cough. And I am just so sad and discouraged that Eli is so sick all of the time. It is taking its toll on me, I can't imagine how his little body feels. I have taken him to the Doctor, asked all the questions. I have Eli on vitamins, probiotics, and breathing treatments. And he is still getting sick every other week it seems. I am going to ask for tests, I think. There is something not right with his immune system...Mommy feelings are running high on this matter, and I'm determined to get to the bottom of it.

PHEW.

Now that, that is done...lets have a chat--or you listen. . .THEN I'm done talking about it. I am walking away and moving on. I think promise.

I have lots of different thoughts on things that happened beginning March 15 (the day he left...and disappeared for 3 weeks...the rest is history, right?).
So lately I have been, angry. And to be consumed with such anger is not healthy, at all.
I have been harassed almost daily(and yes, you know i argue back...which is bad). He is bringing his 19 year old girlfriend with him to pick up/drop off MY children. (the one he was cheating on me with, while I was pregnant and paying all the bills...yes. vomit)  Please know he would shit his pants, if I showed up with another man to pick up or drop off the boys. But I have respect for him. Something he has yet to show me. She has also moved in with him....so when I pick he boys up, she is there. (We are civil. Because although I am not a fan of her, lets be honest...she didn't do shit here. He is a grown man and knew what he was doing. She is young. And had no idea what she was getting into) He has been with her for how many months and she LIVES there?! Right. Insane. I agree. You don't have to tell me. Thanks. I told him I hoped that he made the right decision for his children, not for himself. Is this who is wants in his kids lives forever....if he believes it'll be forever, fine. I can't knock that. But lets be honest....OH WAIT, he can't. He hasn't been faithful to a single girlfriend. ever. I don't want my kids suffering because he can't decide what he wants. It is SO frustrating. 

Sometimes I feel like (and not just him...so many others) people worry about being a better boyfriend/girlfriend than being a better parent. My boys come first. I have had dates, met men, had/have offers of relationships, and I am not ready to do that to my children yet. I have morals. I have standards. And NOT that these men don't meet all requirements I have for a companion....my boys come first. They are tiny. They don't need several different faces in their lives right now. They need constant people...period.
The lies I have been told are unbelievable...you wouldn't believe some of them. It all makes me want to puke actually.
I think what hurts me the most is that, I am sad I have been replaced. I do not want to be with him. He did *us* a favor, when he walked out the door. But I am sad that I am not considered a part of the people I called family for 4 years. Some of them won't even look at me...and I did nothing. Yes...it takes 2 to make things work, or fail, but I didn't quit. I didn't give up. I tried to make it work, and now because we aren't together, people are rude/mean/hurtful to me. I am not sure exactly how this is fair. But  hey....lets except the teenager that aided in the corruption of my children's lives. Breaks my heart. Not everyone is this way. Do not get me wrong. Some of them are amazing, helpful, caring and act as though nothing has changed. I haven't changed, that's for sure.


When we broke up, I don't think I was in love with him anymore. There were lots of things going on....obviously. We were looking at engagement rings a month before he left. I actually looked at him one day and said...."Getting engaged isn't going to make some of these problems disappear, we have a little work to do." And he responded with "it doesnt have to disappear, we will get through it. You are the one I want to be with forever." And all the while he was sleeping with someone else. CLASSY. I know. 40 days later, he was gone. Out the door, and we didn't see his face for 21 days. (with the exception 1 hour he came home when Eli was sick, and 2 other times for about 3 hours).
I did love him, just wasn't sure I was actually in love with him anymore. After all he was the father of the most amazing little man EVER...and the father of the little one growing in my belly, at the time. There were things I loved about him, so much I could have exploded...and things that I hated that could have made me do the same. But when you're family you are family...you don't quit. But he did. And I'm glad he did. Because I have seen a new side of life....of him....that I am glad I didn't wait around to see. . .things in myself I didn't like about me either. We have definitely brought out the worst in each other. But my boys are suffering....and its [[not]] ok.


I hate sharing my children. Even if it is with their dad...its not him...its just being away from them period. I hate leaving them to go to work for Godsake. But I especially hate it when there is a teenager attemtpting to be their mother, when I am not around. And I especially HATE it when there are certain people (and i use people as a plural) allowing it to happen. It is not ok. And THIS I am not sure how to handle. It makes me literally ill. Like....puke. I really get sick about it. (and lets face it...its not JUST her. It would be any woman, who didn't properly understand their role as girlfriend. Not step mom. Not anything to my kids. Instead she thinks they are hers. I am sick typing this)
He is the father of my 2 amazing sons, he gave me that...and I will thank him for that until the day I die. That will never change. Eli and Izaak are perfect. There is nothing I don't love about them. Even though I get a little stressed when they are both crying at the same time, I thank God that they have such strong lungs. They are flawless. Period.


So somehow I have got to forget and to forgive him for the daily debauchery, the horrible fights, the terrible words, the anger I have for him cheating on us(bc when you cheat, you are cheating on your family) over and over again. I have got to find it in me. I have got to. I pray about it. I talk about it to friends, family.I have an amazing support system. I cry daily over the fact that this is the life of my sons. Forever. Spliting weeks/days/months/holidays. Its sick. It is wrong. And it pisses me off. But it is. It is what it is. And there is nothing I can do about it. Its weird...because I don't want to be with him...ever. But I don't want this to be my sons lives. Thank God they are so young and they will never remember this point in their lives. I am very thankful for that. It will simply be all they know. Sad, but true. And I hope that one day their father and I can be on terms where we don't want to yell at each other each time we think of the other. (sidenote:we are both 100% respectful and friendly to each other in front of the boys. I will NEVER let my boys, EVER think their dad and I are anything less than friends.)
So this is my vow to you my friends. I am moving on. I will still probably cry everytime I have to "share" them. But it's because I am their Mom, and I know exactly how they like every little thing...from how to be held...on how they like their food on their plate. But I will no longer allow myself to be beat down. I will no longer allow myself to be consumed with anger. He did what he did, and karma will rear its head. It always does. I cannot try to be apart of the karma process ( hehe ). It'll get me nowhere in life. Hating him for what he did to me/us, will get me nowhere. Resenting him for leaving me and my son (and Izaak unborn) will get me nowhere. Being mad because I attend every Doctors appointment and hospital visit alone, will get me nowhere. Being jealous that he is out having a great time, not asking how his kids are doing, (for days, might I add)while I am wiping snot and consoling screaming and cryin babies...will get me nowhere.
But loving these precious little boys more than anything in the world. And putting my all into making their lives perfect....THAT will get me somewhere. It will get me everywhere. I get to wake up to these boys every morning.....that is my luxury.


So yes that was jumbled. But I told you it would be. Sorry if I offended anyone...but again..this is my blog. My journal. Deal. Read it. Take it as you may. And keep it to yourself.


I am moving on. I am walking away. Big girl panties (i hate that word) are on, and I am moving on.

Just like my little man, (below) I am walking away from the pain....and moving on. I am excited about whats on the other side of that gate :)


Thanks to those of you who have been an amazing support to me and the boys. I may slip...not gonna lie. No one has a perfect life. But thank you for your shoulders, your love for me and the boys and your friendships. If I had all the money in the world it wouldn't repay you for your words and encouragement. :)

MOVING ON. ::SMILES::

xoxo





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