xoxo
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Sunday, August 15, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Options......
I don't have much to say today. The lack of sleep is catching up to me and I am exhausted. Izaak has not been sleeping (as you know) and Eli has been sick, and not sleeping well either. Add a couple of ER visits on top of that. . .and not getting ANY help from [[someone]], has just worn me OUT.
I have missed a lot of work---and I'm so so thankful for my co-workers and amazing bosses who are mothers and completely understanding and sympathize my situation as a single mom doing things on my own. (I get lots of love and help from my parents and sisters....so thankful) So I am tired. Just plain tired. Thankful. In love with these little boys. But just tapped out! I say I just need some uninterrupted sleep...but when they aren't with me, I want to vomit the entire time they are gone. I would rather be tired, I think........I know.
My social life has disappeared. You see, I don't get to go play on a boat or hang out with all of my friends, and pretend I'm a teenager, while my child is in the ER, twice. I have friends who are very frustrated with me (they are understanding, just sad b/c they like me. hehehe) because I can't ever go out, and I have a potential relationship failing because I can't go be social. I am taking care of what is most important. I am not complaining, because I love my sons more than life itself. I am just frustrated. I will always put my boys first, unlike some in the world, but I just want the option to be social.......I probably wouldn't take it--hell, i haven't...I just want the option.
Eli update: Eli and I went to the Dr. yesterday for a "follow up" and she listened to him, made him do a breathing treatment in front of her, then listened to him again and said he was "tricky." Which is why none of the Dr. ordered chest xrays--because you can't tell Eli has anything wrong with his lungs by listening. Leave it to me to have the "tricky" kid :) There could be several reasons that he has had this reoccurring pneumonia, and its all really scary. I have to stay away from Google, because I get myself in trouble looking things up. I will not look up anything until he is diagnosed. But there IS reason he has had pneumonia 4 times in 5 months, and we need to figure it out.
He is definitely better though. He is walking around, smiling and trying to play. However he is not at his best. He will have moments (or hours) where he will just break down and cry on and off for long periods of time. He takes both of his hands to the sides of his head and pushes really hard and cries. I think that he is having bad headaches. The new medicine he is on is giving him the most awful diaper rash you have ever seen in your life...that has turned into a yeast infection. So I have to go pick up yet another prescription when its done for his "area"...hopefully we can clear that up. I feel so awful for him. This morning at 2am he woke up screaming just grabbing his diaper. I'm sure if he could talk, he would ask me why all these bad things keep happening to him ---insert frown face HERE--- I feel terrible. He was crawling this morning, because it hurt him so much to walk. It pains me to see him hurting. But he has to get better...but he just can't win.Keep us in your thoughts and prayers! We have got to catch a break sometime, right?! God doesn't give you more you can handle!
anyways...here are a few pictures of Izaak :)
So funny :)
xoxo
Vote for "OuR LiFe..." :)
I have missed a lot of work---and I'm so so thankful for my co-workers and amazing bosses who are mothers and completely understanding and sympathize my situation as a single mom doing things on my own. (I get lots of love and help from my parents and sisters....so thankful) So I am tired. Just plain tired. Thankful. In love with these little boys. But just tapped out! I say I just need some uninterrupted sleep...but when they aren't with me, I want to vomit the entire time they are gone. I would rather be tired, I think........I know.
My social life has disappeared. You see, I don't get to go play on a boat or hang out with all of my friends, and pretend I'm a teenager, while my child is in the ER, twice. I have friends who are very frustrated with me (they are understanding, just sad b/c they like me. hehehe) because I can't ever go out, and I have a potential relationship failing because I can't go be social. I am taking care of what is most important. I am not complaining, because I love my sons more than life itself. I am just frustrated. I will always put my boys first, unlike some in the world, but I just want the option to be social.......I probably wouldn't take it--hell, i haven't...I just want the option.
Eli update: Eli and I went to the Dr. yesterday for a "follow up" and she listened to him, made him do a breathing treatment in front of her, then listened to him again and said he was "tricky." Which is why none of the Dr. ordered chest xrays--because you can't tell Eli has anything wrong with his lungs by listening. Leave it to me to have the "tricky" kid :) There could be several reasons that he has had this reoccurring pneumonia, and its all really scary. I have to stay away from Google, because I get myself in trouble looking things up. I will not look up anything until he is diagnosed. But there IS reason he has had pneumonia 4 times in 5 months, and we need to figure it out.
He is definitely better though. He is walking around, smiling and trying to play. However he is not at his best. He will have moments (or hours) where he will just break down and cry on and off for long periods of time. He takes both of his hands to the sides of his head and pushes really hard and cries. I think that he is having bad headaches. The new medicine he is on is giving him the most awful diaper rash you have ever seen in your life...that has turned into a yeast infection. So I have to go pick up yet another prescription when its done for his "area"...hopefully we can clear that up. I feel so awful for him. This morning at 2am he woke up screaming just grabbing his diaper. I'm sure if he could talk, he would ask me why all these bad things keep happening to him ---insert frown face HERE--- I feel terrible. He was crawling this morning, because it hurt him so much to walk. It pains me to see him hurting. But he has to get better...but he just can't win.Keep us in your thoughts and prayers! We have got to catch a break sometime, right?! God doesn't give you more you can handle!
anyways...here are a few pictures of Izaak :)
So funny :)
xoxo
Vote for "OuR LiFe..." :)
Sunday, August 8, 2010
update......
So. I am beyond exhausted. Izaak won't sleep, because apparently he A.. hates me or B. thinks i'm awesome and wants to spend more time with me at 1:30 and 3:30am...then again at 6am. I would love to think its choice B. But I'm just now so sure! ;)
And as a lot of you know Eli has been extremely sick. It started all the way back in March. . .when they said he has pneumonia, but then they said it was some wicked virus, that "looked like" pneumonia. Then he was diagnosed again in April with it, then again at the first of July and now AGAIN. There is clearly a reason that this little boy is being diagnosed with the same illness over and over again, and I need an answer.
Sunday Eli came down with a bad cold....nasty green snot...yeah. . .we talked about on a previous post. Tuesday the fever started....it was I think around 104. So on Wednesday morning around 5am I called the Dr. on call and said..."How high is too high?" So we talked...and decided he needed to be seen, so I waited until 8am and they squeezed him into a time slot with a Dr in the practice that we had never seen. [[MISTAKE]] And in the meantime, Eli decided he was going to start throwing up. :( This Dr. was too busy, and was rushing us out the door (after Eli and I waited in the room for just under an hour....Thank God for Blackberries, youtube.com and ELMO). The Dr. didn't want a chest xray, b/c he said he didn't hear anything in Eli's lungs. BUT he still called it sinusitus and pneumonia, called in a script, and sent us on our way. I was ignored, and angry when I left. He did not understand the severity of the situation. If I was in their office every 3 weeks or so, they would have drawn my blood. Why were they not caring about my baby. So frustrating. He looked at me and said "Well if he isn't better by, lets say Saturday, then we will do some tests. " and I responded with "If I haven't found a different Dr. by then. This is ludocris."
We got home, and he was pitiful. It got to the point where he couldn't sit, talk, move, open his eyes. He was puking while laying down. It was the most horrible sight you have ever seen in your life. I just cried. I couldn't do much because my parents were at Freshman Orientation with Payton and I needed them to watch Izaak. I called the Dr. on call told her he had a fever of 104.5, and told her I was taking him and that she needed to come up with some answers or some demands for this ER Dr, bc I wasn't gettin gany help. So once my parents got home we headed out the door. My dad came with us, because someone made another choice to not come. . .and I needed help, and moral support with such a sick Eli. (Remember my post no more anger...you can throw it out the window, this week. Because i'm pissed. You can do all you want to hurt me, but you don't do it to my boys.period.) So my dad and I took him to the ER and although it was an ok trip, and he was feeling better by the time we left, we still didn't get many answers. They drew his blood, and did a blood culture, and all we got back was that he had high white blood count.(which means he has an infection).....then today we found out the culture came back negative, which is good. When we left the ER Dr. said the pediatrician said to call them in the morning and make an appt. OK. We left and got home at 2am.
Thank GOD my mother slept with Izaak that night, I got a solid 4 hours that night.
Woke up Thursday...called the Dr.and got in that morning. The Dr. we saw was actually my pediatrician when I was younger. She is amazing, but I am not the only one who thinks so, which is why she is soooo difficult to get into. But I felt like Eli and I were the only people alive when she was talking to us. She wanted to know everything I could tell her. She actually cared. She was very througho in examining him and asking questions, and showing me his xrays and what was what. We also made the decision to draw his blood next week when he is feeling better. She ran a few more tests, trying to figure some things out...so I'm waiting to hear those results. That evening he woke up from a nap and had a fever of 105.4 and had puked in his bed. The Dr. said if he puked one more time that I was to call her and she would prescribe a medicine for him (zofran) to make him stop puking. So I called the Dr. on call and I was talking to her Eli decided it would be the perfect time to PROJECTILE vomit allll over me, and him. So....covered in puke, Eli comes first, and I gave him a bath. Got his temp down to 102.8...progress. The lowest number in days.
Friday I went to work, for a half day. I had things I needed to do, so I had the half day planned...but it ended up being spent with my boys. (which is the best half day ever) Eli was better, he was eating, he was interacting. He would still have to stop and rest for a few minutes/hour at a time, but he was perking up for sure. Then all of the sudden at like 9pm he went downhill and FAST.
This morning Payton, Eli and myself were all laying in bed...watching cartoons and Eli just started vomiting again. I freaked, called the Dr. office, they asked the usual questions...and called back telling me to take him to the childrens hospital (not the same one from wednesday) so we did that. We had a great experience there. I was pleased with the staff and the help and attention that we got. They finally ordered a chest xray and found out it was full blown pneumonia. He is a great drinker, and has been staying hydrated..having wet diapers, not eating, but definitely getting fluids, and his stats were good, so after 5 hours of being there, we left. He had to have a few xrays, he had to have several shots in each leg of antibiotic and they gave us a script for another one...b/c obviously the one he is on isn't working. (mom went with me and eli today. thank goodness.)
We talked to the ER Dr. about what could possibly be causing him to get this all the time. The kid is always sick. There is always something wrong with him, and it doesn't make sense. Eli has a lot of the same symptoms of a few troubling diseases, so I am hoping we can get some answers soon so IF it is one of these things we can figure it out and make a plan of attack. Only the best for my little man.
Ok...so here are some camera phone pictures from his visits. You know I photo-document everything. and I didn't proofread this...so excuse any errors and i'm sure I left things out, its been a looooong week!! xoxo
Most of these are from Wednesday night. Except for the wagon picture...those were from today.
pitiful little baby.
Motrin kicked in and he got crazy!
I bought Eli an Elmo DVD and Elmo washes his hands in it, so now all Eli wants to do is wash his hands.
Eli with his Poppie. So thankful for my amazing parents.
Hilarious picture. hahahahaha. He wanted this gown off so bad, he was begging my dad. But it looks like hes flashing him!
perking up a bit, and "coloring" in my calendar with my pen.
Today..trying to break the fever.
Leaving the hospital....hoping we don't have to ever come back.
Thanks for all of your prayers! And respect and love to all single mamas. You never know what its like until you are there. And I am there....and its the most difficult thing ever. (thank god for my parents and sisters....and grandparents!!) I hope one day my boys know how hard I fought for them, how much I love them, and how important they are to me. I will do it all, if I have to, until the day I die. I love these boys, more than life itself.
xoxo
Vote for "OuR LiFe..." :)
And as a lot of you know Eli has been extremely sick. It started all the way back in March. . .when they said he has pneumonia, but then they said it was some wicked virus, that "looked like" pneumonia. Then he was diagnosed again in April with it, then again at the first of July and now AGAIN. There is clearly a reason that this little boy is being diagnosed with the same illness over and over again, and I need an answer.
Sunday Eli came down with a bad cold....nasty green snot...yeah. . .we talked about on a previous post. Tuesday the fever started....it was I think around 104. So on Wednesday morning around 5am I called the Dr. on call and said..."How high is too high?" So we talked...and decided he needed to be seen, so I waited until 8am and they squeezed him into a time slot with a Dr in the practice that we had never seen. [[MISTAKE]] And in the meantime, Eli decided he was going to start throwing up. :( This Dr. was too busy, and was rushing us out the door (after Eli and I waited in the room for just under an hour....Thank God for Blackberries, youtube.com and ELMO). The Dr. didn't want a chest xray, b/c he said he didn't hear anything in Eli's lungs. BUT he still called it sinusitus and pneumonia, called in a script, and sent us on our way. I was ignored, and angry when I left. He did not understand the severity of the situation. If I was in their office every 3 weeks or so, they would have drawn my blood. Why were they not caring about my baby. So frustrating. He looked at me and said "Well if he isn't better by, lets say Saturday, then we will do some tests. " and I responded with "If I haven't found a different Dr. by then. This is ludocris."
We got home, and he was pitiful. It got to the point where he couldn't sit, talk, move, open his eyes. He was puking while laying down. It was the most horrible sight you have ever seen in your life. I just cried. I couldn't do much because my parents were at Freshman Orientation with Payton and I needed them to watch Izaak. I called the Dr. on call told her he had a fever of 104.5, and told her I was taking him and that she needed to come up with some answers or some demands for this ER Dr, bc I wasn't gettin gany help. So once my parents got home we headed out the door. My dad came with us, because someone made another choice to not come. . .and I needed help, and moral support with such a sick Eli. (Remember my post no more anger...you can throw it out the window, this week. Because i'm pissed. You can do all you want to hurt me, but you don't do it to my boys.period.) So my dad and I took him to the ER and although it was an ok trip, and he was feeling better by the time we left, we still didn't get many answers. They drew his blood, and did a blood culture, and all we got back was that he had high white blood count.(which means he has an infection).....then today we found out the culture came back negative, which is good. When we left the ER Dr. said the pediatrician said to call them in the morning and make an appt. OK. We left and got home at 2am.
Thank GOD my mother slept with Izaak that night, I got a solid 4 hours that night.
Woke up Thursday...called the Dr.and got in that morning. The Dr. we saw was actually my pediatrician when I was younger. She is amazing, but I am not the only one who thinks so, which is why she is soooo difficult to get into. But I felt like Eli and I were the only people alive when she was talking to us. She wanted to know everything I could tell her. She actually cared. She was very througho in examining him and asking questions, and showing me his xrays and what was what. We also made the decision to draw his blood next week when he is feeling better. She ran a few more tests, trying to figure some things out...so I'm waiting to hear those results. That evening he woke up from a nap and had a fever of 105.4 and had puked in his bed. The Dr. said if he puked one more time that I was to call her and she would prescribe a medicine for him (zofran) to make him stop puking. So I called the Dr. on call and I was talking to her Eli decided it would be the perfect time to PROJECTILE vomit allll over me, and him. So....covered in puke, Eli comes first, and I gave him a bath. Got his temp down to 102.8...progress. The lowest number in days.
Friday I went to work, for a half day. I had things I needed to do, so I had the half day planned...but it ended up being spent with my boys. (which is the best half day ever) Eli was better, he was eating, he was interacting. He would still have to stop and rest for a few minutes/hour at a time, but he was perking up for sure. Then all of the sudden at like 9pm he went downhill and FAST.
This morning Payton, Eli and myself were all laying in bed...watching cartoons and Eli just started vomiting again. I freaked, called the Dr. office, they asked the usual questions...and called back telling me to take him to the childrens hospital (not the same one from wednesday) so we did that. We had a great experience there. I was pleased with the staff and the help and attention that we got. They finally ordered a chest xray and found out it was full blown pneumonia. He is a great drinker, and has been staying hydrated..having wet diapers, not eating, but definitely getting fluids, and his stats were good, so after 5 hours of being there, we left. He had to have a few xrays, he had to have several shots in each leg of antibiotic and they gave us a script for another one...b/c obviously the one he is on isn't working. (mom went with me and eli today. thank goodness.)
We talked to the ER Dr. about what could possibly be causing him to get this all the time. The kid is always sick. There is always something wrong with him, and it doesn't make sense. Eli has a lot of the same symptoms of a few troubling diseases, so I am hoping we can get some answers soon so IF it is one of these things we can figure it out and make a plan of attack. Only the best for my little man.
Ok...so here are some camera phone pictures from his visits. You know I photo-document everything. and I didn't proofread this...so excuse any errors and i'm sure I left things out, its been a looooong week!! xoxo
Most of these are from Wednesday night. Except for the wagon picture...those were from today.
pitiful little baby.
Motrin kicked in and he got crazy!
I bought Eli an Elmo DVD and Elmo washes his hands in it, so now all Eli wants to do is wash his hands.
Eli with his Poppie. So thankful for my amazing parents.
Hilarious picture. hahahahaha. He wanted this gown off so bad, he was begging my dad. But it looks like hes flashing him!
perking up a bit, and "coloring" in my calendar with my pen.
Today..trying to break the fever.
Leaving the hospital....hoping we don't have to ever come back.
Thanks for all of your prayers! And respect and love to all single mamas. You never know what its like until you are there. And I am there....and its the most difficult thing ever. (thank god for my parents and sisters....and grandparents!!) I hope one day my boys know how hard I fought for them, how much I love them, and how important they are to me. I will do it all, if I have to, until the day I die. I love these boys, more than life itself.
xoxo
Vote for "OuR LiFe..." :)
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
365 Project
So I have run across a few blogs (in my blog reading obsession) that have participated in something called 365...or something along those lines. Some blog everyday for an entire year...so post a picture everyday...some post other things....the trick is to just do it everyday. I am going to try SUPER hard to do this. I need to re-teach myself how to blog from my phone and it'd be a lot easier. I always try to catch up on blogs and facebook at night after the boys to go sleep...so perhaps this will be when I blog (like I am now!). So today is Day 1. Mark it. :) Lets see if I can do it. Maybe at least 5 days a week...hahaha...I'm trying to be honest! There are just some days when blogging seems impossible.
So I shall start out with this:
luck·y
How lucky am I? Seriously?! What did I do to deserve such awesome, amazing, perfect little men?? :) No matter how bad things have been, are, or may get....I always have them...and thats all I'll EVER need :)
xoxox
Vote for "OuR LiFe..." :)
So I shall start out with this:
luck·y
adj. luck·i·er, luck·i·est
1. Having or attended by good luck. See Synonyms at happy.
2. Occurring by chance; fortuitous.
3. Believed to bring good luckHow lucky am I? Seriously?! What did I do to deserve such awesome, amazing, perfect little men?? :) No matter how bad things have been, are, or may get....I always have them...and thats all I'll EVER need :)
xoxox
Vote for "OuR LiFe..." :)
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Chapter:Moving On :)
First of all, let me start this out by saying I have had an EXTREMELY long day. I thought it would never end. Both of the boys have bad colds. Eli's nose is running all sorts of green snot. It's yucky. Izaak doesn't have any snot, he just has a cough. And I am just so sad and discouraged that Eli is so sick all of the time. It is taking its toll on me, I can't imagine how his little body feels. I have taken him to the Doctor, asked all the questions. I have Eli on vitamins, probiotics, and breathing treatments. And he is still getting sick every other week it seems. I am going to ask for tests, I think. There is something not right with his immune system...Mommy feelings are running high on this matter, and I'm determined to get to the bottom of it.
PHEW.
Now that, that is done...lets have a chat--or you listen. . .THEN I'm done talking about it. I am walking away and moving on. Ithink promise.
I have lots of different thoughts on things that happened beginning March 15 (the day he left...and disappeared for 3 weeks...the rest is history, right?).
So lately I have been, angry. And to be consumed with such anger is not healthy, at all.
I have been harassed almost daily(and yes, you know i argue back...which is bad). He is bringing his 19 year old girlfriend with him to pick up/drop off MY children. (the one he was cheating on me with, while I was pregnant and paying all the bills...yes. vomit) Please know he would shit his pants, if I showed up with another man to pick up or drop off the boys. But I have respect for him. Something he has yet to show me. She has also moved in with him....so when I pick he boys up, she is there. (We are civil. Because although I am not a fan of her, lets be honest...she didn't do shit here. He is a grown man and knew what he was doing. She is young. And had no idea what she was getting into) He has been with her for how many months and she LIVES there?! Right. Insane. I agree. You don't have to tell me. Thanks. I told him I hoped that he made the right decision for his children, not for himself. Is this who is wants in his kids lives forever....if he believes it'll be forever, fine. I can't knock that. But lets be honest....OH WAIT, he can't. He hasn't been faithful to a single girlfriend. ever. I don't want my kids suffering because he can't decide what he wants. It is SO frustrating.
Sometimes I feel like (and not just him...so many others) people worry about being a better boyfriend/girlfriend than being a better parent. My boys come first. I have had dates, met men, had/have offers of relationships, and I am not ready to do that to my children yet. I have morals. I have standards. And NOT that these men don't meet all requirements I have for a companion....my boys come first. They are tiny. They don't need several different faces in their lives right now. They need constant people...period.
The lies I have been told are unbelievable...you wouldn't believe some of them. It all makes me want to puke actually.
I think what hurts me the most is that, I am sad I have been replaced. I do not want to be with him. He did *us* a favor, when he walked out the door. But I am sad that I am not considered a part of the people I called family for 4 years. Some of them won't even look at me...and I did nothing. Yes...it takes 2 to make things work, or fail, but I didn't quit. I didn't give up. I tried to make it work, and now because we aren't together, people are rude/mean/hurtful to me. I am not sure exactly how this is fair. But hey....lets except the teenager that aided in the corruption of my children's lives. Breaks my heart. Not everyone is this way. Do not get me wrong. Some of them are amazing, helpful, caring and act as though nothing has changed. I haven't changed, that's for sure.
When we broke up, I don't think I was in love with him anymore. There were lots of things going on....obviously. We were looking at engagement rings a month before he left. I actually looked at him one day and said...."Getting engaged isn't going to make some of these problems disappear, we have a little work to do." And he responded with "it doesnt have to disappear, we will get through it. You are the one I want to be with forever." And all the while he was sleeping with someone else. CLASSY. I know. 40 days later, he was gone. Out the door, and we didn't see his face for 21 days. (with the exception 1 hour he came home when Eli was sick, and 2 other times for about 3 hours).
I did love him, just wasn't sure I was actually in love with him anymore. After all he was the father of the most amazing little man EVER...and the father of the little one growing in my belly, at the time. There were things I loved about him, so much I could have exploded...and things that I hated that could have made me do the same. But when you're family you are family...you don't quit. But he did. And I'm glad he did. Because I have seen a new side of life....of him....that I am glad I didn't wait around to see. . .things in myself I didn't like about me either. We have definitely brought out the worst in each other. But my boys are suffering....and its [[not]] ok.
I hate sharing my children. Even if it is with their dad...its not him...its just being away from them period. I hate leaving them to go to work for Godsake. But I especially hate it when there is a teenager attemtpting to be their mother, when I am not around. And I especially HATE it when there are certain people (and i use people as a plural) allowing it to happen. It is not ok. And THIS I am not sure how to handle. It makes me literally ill. Like....puke. I really get sick about it. (and lets face it...its not JUST her. It would be any woman, who didn't properly understand their role as girlfriend. Not step mom. Not anything to my kids. Instead she thinks they are hers. I am sick typing this)
He is the father of my 2 amazing sons, he gave me that...and I will thank him for that until the day I die. That will never change. Eli and Izaak are perfect. There is nothing I don't love about them. Even though I get a little stressed when they are both crying at the same time, I thank God that they have such strong lungs. They are flawless. Period.
So somehow I have got to forget and to forgive him for the daily debauchery, the horrible fights, the terrible words, the anger I have for him cheating on us(bc when you cheat, you are cheating on your family) over and over again. I have got to find it in me. I have got to. I pray about it. I talk about it to friends, family.I have an amazing support system. I cry daily over the fact that this is the life of my sons. Forever. Spliting weeks/days/months/holidays. Its sick. It is wrong. And it pisses me off. But it is. It is what it is. And there is nothing I can do about it. Its weird...because I don't want to be with him...ever. But I don't want this to be my sons lives. Thank God they are so young and they will never remember this point in their lives. I am very thankful for that. It will simply be all they know. Sad, but true. And I hope that one day their father and I can be on terms where we don't want to yell at each other each time we think of the other. (sidenote:we are both 100% respectful and friendly to each other in front of the boys. I will NEVER let my boys, EVER think their dad and I are anything less than friends.)
So this is my vow to you my friends. I am moving on. I will still probably cry everytime I have to "share" them. But it's because I am their Mom, and I know exactly how they like every little thing...from how to be held...on how they like their food on their plate. But I will no longer allow myself to be beat down. I will no longer allow myself to be consumed with anger. He did what he did, and karma will rear its head. It always does. I cannot try to be apart of the karma process ( hehe ). It'll get me nowhere in life. Hating him for what he did to me/us, will get me nowhere. Resenting him for leaving me and my son (and Izaak unborn) will get me nowhere. Being mad because I attend every Doctors appointment and hospital visit alone, will get me nowhere. Being jealous that he is out having a great time, not asking how his kids are doing, (for days, might I add)while I am wiping snot and consoling screaming and cryin babies...will get me nowhere.
But loving these precious little boys more than anything in the world. And putting my all into making their lives perfect....THAT will get me somewhere. It will get me everywhere. I get to wake up to these boys every morning.....that is my luxury.
So yes that was jumbled. But I told you it would be. Sorry if I offended anyone...but again..this is my blog. My journal. Deal. Read it. Take it as you may. And keep it to yourself.
I am moving on. I am walking away. Big girl panties (i hate that word) are on, and I am moving on.
Just like my little man, (below) I am walking away from the pain....and moving on. I am excited about whats on the other side of that gate :)
Thanks to those of you who have been an amazing support to me and the boys. I may slip...not gonna lie. No one has a perfect life. But thank you for your shoulders, your love for me and the boys and your friendships. If I had all the money in the world it wouldn't repay you for your words and encouragement. :)
MOVING ON. ::SMILES::
xoxo
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PHEW.
Now that, that is done...lets have a chat--or you listen. . .THEN I'm done talking about it. I am walking away and moving on. I
I have lots of different thoughts on things that happened beginning March 15 (the day he left...and disappeared for 3 weeks...the rest is history, right?).
So lately I have been, angry. And to be consumed with such anger is not healthy, at all.
I have been harassed almost daily(and yes, you know i argue back...which is bad). He is bringing his 19 year old girlfriend with him to pick up/drop off MY children. (the one he was cheating on me with, while I was pregnant and paying all the bills...yes. vomit) Please know he would shit his pants, if I showed up with another man to pick up or drop off the boys. But I have respect for him. Something he has yet to show me. She has also moved in with him....so when I pick he boys up, she is there. (We are civil. Because although I am not a fan of her, lets be honest...she didn't do shit here. He is a grown man and knew what he was doing. She is young. And had no idea what she was getting into) He has been with her for how many months and she LIVES there?! Right. Insane. I agree. You don't have to tell me. Thanks. I told him I hoped that he made the right decision for his children, not for himself. Is this who is wants in his kids lives forever....if he believes it'll be forever, fine. I can't knock that. But lets be honest....OH WAIT, he can't. He hasn't been faithful to a single girlfriend. ever. I don't want my kids suffering because he can't decide what he wants. It is SO frustrating.
Sometimes I feel like (and not just him...so many others) people worry about being a better boyfriend/girlfriend than being a better parent. My boys come first. I have had dates, met men, had/have offers of relationships, and I am not ready to do that to my children yet. I have morals. I have standards. And NOT that these men don't meet all requirements I have for a companion....my boys come first. They are tiny. They don't need several different faces in their lives right now. They need constant people...period.
The lies I have been told are unbelievable...you wouldn't believe some of them. It all makes me want to puke actually.
I think what hurts me the most is that, I am sad I have been replaced. I do not want to be with him. He did *us* a favor, when he walked out the door. But I am sad that I am not considered a part of the people I called family for 4 years. Some of them won't even look at me...and I did nothing. Yes...it takes 2 to make things work, or fail, but I didn't quit. I didn't give up. I tried to make it work, and now because we aren't together, people are rude/mean/hurtful to me. I am not sure exactly how this is fair. But hey....lets except the teenager that aided in the corruption of my children's lives. Breaks my heart. Not everyone is this way. Do not get me wrong. Some of them are amazing, helpful, caring and act as though nothing has changed. I haven't changed, that's for sure.
When we broke up, I don't think I was in love with him anymore. There were lots of things going on....obviously. We were looking at engagement rings a month before he left. I actually looked at him one day and said...."Getting engaged isn't going to make some of these problems disappear, we have a little work to do." And he responded with "it doesnt have to disappear, we will get through it. You are the one I want to be with forever." And all the while he was sleeping with someone else. CLASSY. I know. 40 days later, he was gone. Out the door, and we didn't see his face for 21 days. (with the exception 1 hour he came home when Eli was sick, and 2 other times for about 3 hours).
I did love him, just wasn't sure I was actually in love with him anymore. After all he was the father of the most amazing little man EVER...and the father of the little one growing in my belly, at the time. There were things I loved about him, so much I could have exploded...and things that I hated that could have made me do the same. But when you're family you are family...you don't quit. But he did. And I'm glad he did. Because I have seen a new side of life....of him....that I am glad I didn't wait around to see. . .things in myself I didn't like about me either. We have definitely brought out the worst in each other. But my boys are suffering....and its [[not]] ok.
I hate sharing my children. Even if it is with their dad...its not him...its just being away from them period. I hate leaving them to go to work for Godsake. But I especially hate it when there is a teenager attemtpting to be their mother, when I am not around. And I especially HATE it when there are certain people (and i use people as a plural) allowing it to happen. It is not ok. And THIS I am not sure how to handle. It makes me literally ill. Like....puke. I really get sick about it. (and lets face it...its not JUST her. It would be any woman, who didn't properly understand their role as girlfriend. Not step mom. Not anything to my kids. Instead she thinks they are hers. I am sick typing this)
He is the father of my 2 amazing sons, he gave me that...and I will thank him for that until the day I die. That will never change. Eli and Izaak are perfect. There is nothing I don't love about them. Even though I get a little stressed when they are both crying at the same time, I thank God that they have such strong lungs. They are flawless. Period.
So somehow I have got to forget and to forgive him for the daily debauchery, the horrible fights, the terrible words, the anger I have for him cheating on us(bc when you cheat, you are cheating on your family) over and over again. I have got to find it in me. I have got to. I pray about it. I talk about it to friends, family.I have an amazing support system. I cry daily over the fact that this is the life of my sons. Forever. Spliting weeks/days/months/holidays. Its sick. It is wrong. And it pisses me off. But it is. It is what it is. And there is nothing I can do about it. Its weird...because I don't want to be with him...ever. But I don't want this to be my sons lives. Thank God they are so young and they will never remember this point in their lives. I am very thankful for that. It will simply be all they know. Sad, but true. And I hope that one day their father and I can be on terms where we don't want to yell at each other each time we think of the other. (sidenote:we are both 100% respectful and friendly to each other in front of the boys. I will NEVER let my boys, EVER think their dad and I are anything less than friends.)
So this is my vow to you my friends. I am moving on. I will still probably cry everytime I have to "share" them. But it's because I am their Mom, and I know exactly how they like every little thing...from how to be held...on how they like their food on their plate. But I will no longer allow myself to be beat down. I will no longer allow myself to be consumed with anger. He did what he did, and karma will rear its head. It always does. I cannot try to be apart of the karma process ( hehe ). It'll get me nowhere in life. Hating him for what he did to me/us, will get me nowhere. Resenting him for leaving me and my son (and Izaak unborn) will get me nowhere. Being mad because I attend every Doctors appointment and hospital visit alone, will get me nowhere. Being jealous that he is out having a great time, not asking how his kids are doing, (for days, might I add)while I am wiping snot and consoling screaming and cryin babies...will get me nowhere.
But loving these precious little boys more than anything in the world. And putting my all into making their lives perfect....THAT will get me somewhere. It will get me everywhere. I get to wake up to these boys every morning.....that is my luxury.
So yes that was jumbled. But I told you it would be. Sorry if I offended anyone...but again..this is my blog. My journal. Deal. Read it. Take it as you may. And keep it to yourself.
I am moving on. I am walking away. Big girl panties (i hate that word) are on, and I am moving on.
Just like my little man, (below) I am walking away from the pain....and moving on. I am excited about whats on the other side of that gate :)
Thanks to those of you who have been an amazing support to me and the boys. I may slip...not gonna lie. No one has a perfect life. But thank you for your shoulders, your love for me and the boys and your friendships. If I had all the money in the world it wouldn't repay you for your words and encouragement. :)
MOVING ON. ::SMILES::
xoxo
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Saturday, July 31, 2010
2-7
So this year my birthday (I'm 27!) wasn't much different than others....people weren't here...ha! My birthday is July 29th and it always seems to be the only week people can find time to have a vacation...right before school starts. So, Mom and the girls (along with Nana, Aunt Kari and Hannah) were on vaca in MO at some place. Dad was home for my birthday.(He was out of town but came back the day before!) And my I had my boys..and that was all just fine with me! :)
I was telling my dad, it is so weird once you have kids, how insignificant your birthday becomes. I think I was more excited for Eli's first birthday than I have been for any of my birthdays (minus 21, probably! haha!)
We started out the day at my friend Tonyas house with her little one, our friend Kim and her daughter Nellie, and Steph and Carter. Tonya ordered pizza for everyone and made cupcakes for me!! Steph got me a dozen roses and an awesome card from Eli and Izaak, for me (and please don't forget my favorite Spinach dip and Hawaiian bread!!). I'm so lucky to have such wonderful friends.
Then we came home and played (me and Eli...and Izaak watched. ha!) Then dad came home with my FAVORITE dish from my favorite restauarant! It has crab and shrimp in it, and considering the fact that I was basically pregnant for 2 years, I haven't been able to eat it. So it was wonderful! Then Eli and Dad "sang" (Dad sang, Eli stared at the candles and whispered "hottt, hottt hottt" over and over again) Happy Birthday and gave me a mini cheesecake. (my favorite. )
All in all it was a good birthday. I was sad Mom and the girls weren't here, but life goes on. Not a big deal!
Here are the few (decent) pictures from my bday. Dad had the camera and he doesn't know the "face only" rule! hahaha! Then there are some pictures of our day at the "park." I actually took both boys to a surrounding elementary school playground, and we were the only ones there, and it was PERFECT. Izaak slept the majority of the time and Eli had a blast running around! We even had a picnic. It was a great time, just the 3 of us!
When Eli has the time to settle down and be still, he loves to "hold" his brother.
can you tell eli is tired?! hehe
You should have seen us digging into that thing at 9pm. "Mother of the Year" right here! :)
picnic with my first born. love this kid more than I ever thought I could.
excuse the cleavage:) but i love this picture
Iggy taking a snooze!
Just a year ago, he was a "rash face" who still couldn't sit up. . .now look at him. At 18 months old-he's been through quite a lot. Proud of my little man!
Yes I am the mom that lets her kid go down the slide the wrong way! :)
This picture means (or says) so much to me.....I just love it.
Hold my hand :)
xoxo
Vote for "OuR LiFe..." :)
I was telling my dad, it is so weird once you have kids, how insignificant your birthday becomes. I think I was more excited for Eli's first birthday than I have been for any of my birthdays (minus 21, probably! haha!)
We started out the day at my friend Tonyas house with her little one, our friend Kim and her daughter Nellie, and Steph and Carter. Tonya ordered pizza for everyone and made cupcakes for me!! Steph got me a dozen roses and an awesome card from Eli and Izaak, for me (and please don't forget my favorite Spinach dip and Hawaiian bread!!). I'm so lucky to have such wonderful friends.
Then we came home and played (me and Eli...and Izaak watched. ha!) Then dad came home with my FAVORITE dish from my favorite restauarant! It has crab and shrimp in it, and considering the fact that I was basically pregnant for 2 years, I haven't been able to eat it. So it was wonderful! Then Eli and Dad "sang" (Dad sang, Eli stared at the candles and whispered "hottt, hottt hottt" over and over again) Happy Birthday and gave me a mini cheesecake. (my favorite. )
All in all it was a good birthday. I was sad Mom and the girls weren't here, but life goes on. Not a big deal!
Here are the few (decent) pictures from my bday. Dad had the camera and he doesn't know the "face only" rule! hahaha! Then there are some pictures of our day at the "park." I actually took both boys to a surrounding elementary school playground, and we were the only ones there, and it was PERFECT. Izaak slept the majority of the time and Eli had a blast running around! We even had a picnic. It was a great time, just the 3 of us!
When Eli has the time to settle down and be still, he loves to "hold" his brother.
can you tell eli is tired?! hehe
You should have seen us digging into that thing at 9pm. "Mother of the Year" right here! :)
picnic with my first born. love this kid more than I ever thought I could.
excuse the cleavage:) but i love this picture
Iggy taking a snooze!
Just a year ago, he was a "rash face" who still couldn't sit up. . .now look at him. At 18 months old-he's been through quite a lot. Proud of my little man!
Yes I am the mom that lets her kid go down the slide the wrong way! :)
This picture means (or says) so much to me.....I just love it.
Hold my hand :)
xoxo
Vote for "OuR LiFe..." :)
Thursday, July 29, 2010
in a [[perfect]] world
So in an realistic perfect world I would have thousands of dollars (I would take millions, but lets be honest, thousands would do me juuuuust fine)and start my own photography business. I am not as good as some...but I need lots of dollars to really get things going....or donations. I giggle and ask people to sponser me, but I am serious.... :). I need lenses, lighting, location (which isn't a total must) photoshop...an amazing nice (preferably a MAC) computer. But for now I will settle with what I do now, and my babies are my guinea pigs. If you want to be my guinea pig, I would love to! :) I'm pretty serious about this. I would love to do this. In the end all you have are pictures :)
My Izaak "Iggy" Gregory. Such a perfect little baby.
I love the slobber :)
one of my favorites of either one of the boys. love it.
so funny!
my cup runneth over.
I keep telling Eli that in a few short months, Izzak is probably going to be able to beat him up, so he probably shouldn't try to pick him up.....haha.
paci and tigger :) izaaks best friends
xoxo
*us*
Vote for "OuR LiFe..." :)
My Izaak "Iggy" Gregory. Such a perfect little baby.
I love the slobber :)
one of my favorites of either one of the boys. love it.
so funny!
my cup runneth over.
I keep telling Eli that in a few short months, Izzak is probably going to be able to beat him up, so he probably shouldn't try to pick him up.....haha.
paci and tigger :) izaaks best friends
xoxo
*us*
Vote for "OuR LiFe..." :)
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