But I am so anxious. . . not in a bad way. . .in a nervous way. . .in an I have no idea in hell how I'm going to do this, kind of way.
The only person I have really talked to about this is Zach. This is because I know he feels the same way. For those of you who know us well enough, you know that our relationship is a weird one, and in some bizarre, twisted way, it works for us. Dont ask, b/c I won't even attempt to explain it to you. And while we plan on doing this one day at a time, today it is still leaving us at doing it together, but apart. Does that make sense? Because if it doesnt, thats ok, but just imagine how we/I feel. The living in 2 houses, the discussion of our relationship...with not being married....with us being so on and off...its so disheartening and frustrating I can't begin to let you in. You dont have time, and if you asked, and I actually started to tell you, you would want to walk away. I annoy myself with it. ((just ask steph))
My fears are probably normal ones of any "single" mommy. I am lucky that Zach is being so supportive right now, and that things are going well. I am lucky to have such amazing parents, grandparents, cousins, and aunts and uncles that aren't preaching to me about the importance of being married. Please dont think that I dont think about that EVERYDAY. It makes me sad that I'm not married. It makes me sad that I dont live in the same house with little mans daddyo....a lot of this makes me sad. But I know that this little boy will have more love than he knows what to do with...that is one thing I DO know.
....which brings me to a whole other issue that I won't go into. But my living situation is, (I'm afraid) about to get complicated. I have no IDEA which direction to go, as I'm being pulled in several directions. Its stressing me the hell out!!! Yikes. But I will leave it at that...b/c I'm clueless as to what the "right" thing to do is. I know what I want to do, and what I should probably do, are 2 totally different things, and that annoys me. I will tell you when we/I have decided what is best for me, Zach and the little man. (which by the way HE does have a name...but for right now, you aren't going to know it!)
I have always wanted to have children, but right now just wasnt the plan. God had a different plan obviously, and I am thankful. I'm just having a hard time adjusting with the fact that in 4 short months, getting up and going to Stephs, my parents, Kroger, or the mall, is not going to be a simple or easy task. I wont be able to call friends and plan a night at the bar every weekend like we did. My life as I now know it, will never again be......as my father CONTINUES to remind me. And I am finding this to be true considering how WARPED my body feels...he is already taking over. hahaha!
Is it normal that I cried on the phone to Zach about this for an hour yesterday morning, but went to bed confident that I can do this, that we can do this....while apart, yet twistedly together?. . . for now.
Is it normal to be terrified of birth?! I think that it is. I dont know how long, or when labor will occur, or if it will be scheduled, or if I'll be cleaning a tanning bed and end up with a puddle of water under my feet. ha! I have NO clue what I'm doing.
Please dont think I'm having panic attacks about this, because I'm not. Just loooooooots and lots of thoughts going thru my mind alllll the time....so you get to read about them :)
I know that every night when I lay my head down that even though things are stressing me out "now," in the "end" things are going to be just fine. . . . .
. . . I just hate the wait time in between "now" and "just fine"
xoxo
Tay
