So I have been a little on the edgy/stressed/angry/emotional side lately. I knew it would come eventually(I was just plain sad for a while...now I'm pretty much just pissed off at SOMEONE). and this is my "diary" so here you have it......
Dear Diary :)
I am so frustrated with certain people and how they have decided that they can do whatever they want, party, and dip out on responsibilities (financially and emotionally and physically...and whatever else matters...), while I take care of a screaming/crying/constipated/wakes up every 2-3 hours a night-baby and a can't walk all the way good enough/can't talk/teething/needy toddling little 16 month old; who are the most adorable little bebes eva!!!
I must say I am a little jealous that someone gets to spend their time with their teenage girlfriend, instead of their children and play and party while I am taking care of these babies. (did you just poo your pants because I am airing someones business? Don't care....don't care one little bit. If that someone doesn't care what they are doing, why on earth should I care about hurting your feelings with what I'm saying??)
NOW do NOT get me wrong--I ADORE these little boys, they are the most joy I have in my life. I would die for them. My social life has disappeared, and I'm ok with this. I love laughing and playing with them. I love taking care of them. I can't imagine life without them. I am so proud of them....and the accomplishments they have made and the trials we are overcoming as a mini-family. I am just frustrated with the fact that I was NOT supposed to be doing this solo (and yes I do have the help of my parents, and friends, but no help from the one that was supposed to be there through it all. YOU signed up for this just like I did....and apparently it meant nothing.) I am bitter.(obviously) I am mad. I am thankful. I am smiling. Lots of emotions....even 3 months later.
I had a long talk with my parents and they helped me realize a lot. As much as I want to kick and scream, I cannot control anyone else but myself, and my children. I am working on this realization.
I am a good mom. I have to tell myself this everyday, because I have someone telling me constantly that I am a horrible mother. I refuse to put my children in harms way in regards to drugs, alcohol, and irresponsible human beings...and if refusing this makes me a bad mom...then I'm as bad as it comes. I will not subject my children to such behavior----do it on your own time homie.
And as much as I would like to tell you EVERYTHING that is going on...that simply would solve nothing, and make me look just as bad. If you want to know anything I will gladly tell you---I'm just not going to put it ALL out here. I know someone is shaking their head at me, and frankly I do not care at all. If people want to act a mess and be irresponsible then they obviously do not care if their life is exploited. . .at least thats my opinion....and I'm allowed to have one.
I am struggling everyday to take care of these boys the best I can and to provide for them financially/physically/emotionally/etc. I am doing the best I can and I think I'm doing a damn good job. Like I said, I have help from my parents, and grandparents and friends---but for the most part I am pulling this load alone.
And guess what....both boys are fed, clothed, happy, smiling and breathing=JOB COMPLETE.
Dear Diary :)
I am so frustrated with certain people and how they have decided that they can do whatever they want, party, and dip out on responsibilities (financially and emotionally and physically...and whatever else matters...), while I take care of a screaming/crying/constipated/wakes up every 2-3 hours a night-baby and a can't walk all the way good enough/can't talk/teething/needy toddling little 16 month old; who are the most adorable little bebes eva!!!
I must say I am a little jealous that someone gets to spend their time with their teenage girlfriend, instead of their children and play and party while I am taking care of these babies. (did you just poo your pants because I am airing someones business? Don't care....don't care one little bit. If that someone doesn't care what they are doing, why on earth should I care about hurting your feelings with what I'm saying??)
NOW do NOT get me wrong--I ADORE these little boys, they are the most joy I have in my life. I would die for them. My social life has disappeared, and I'm ok with this. I love laughing and playing with them. I love taking care of them. I can't imagine life without them. I am so proud of them....and the accomplishments they have made and the trials we are overcoming as a mini-family. I am just frustrated with the fact that I was NOT supposed to be doing this solo (and yes I do have the help of my parents, and friends, but no help from the one that was supposed to be there through it all. YOU signed up for this just like I did....and apparently it meant nothing.) I am bitter.(obviously) I am mad. I am thankful. I am smiling. Lots of emotions....even 3 months later.
I had a long talk with my parents and they helped me realize a lot. As much as I want to kick and scream, I cannot control anyone else but myself, and my children. I am working on this realization.
I am a good mom. I have to tell myself this everyday, because I have someone telling me constantly that I am a horrible mother. I refuse to put my children in harms way in regards to drugs, alcohol, and irresponsible human beings...and if refusing this makes me a bad mom...then I'm as bad as it comes. I will not subject my children to such behavior----do it on your own time homie.
And as much as I would like to tell you EVERYTHING that is going on...that simply would solve nothing, and make me look just as bad. If you want to know anything I will gladly tell you---I'm just not going to put it ALL out here. I know someone is shaking their head at me, and frankly I do not care at all. If people want to act a mess and be irresponsible then they obviously do not care if their life is exploited. . .at least thats my opinion....and I'm allowed to have one.
I am struggling everyday to take care of these boys the best I can and to provide for them financially/physically/emotionally/etc. I am doing the best I can and I think I'm doing a damn good job. Like I said, I have help from my parents, and grandparents and friends---but for the most part I am pulling this load alone.
And guess what....both boys are fed, clothed, happy, smiling and breathing=JOB COMPLETE.
Right on! You are an amazing MOMMY! You have to AMAZING little boys also!!
ReplyDeletei feel for you! i've been in a similar position so trust me when i say it WILL get easier! and the best advice i ever got when i was going through it was to not beat yourself up or apologize for how you feel, and dont put a time limit on getting over it; it hurts, its going to hurt, its going to be one heck of a rollercoaster ride, you are going to cry, scream, yell, hate the world one minute, love it the next, smile, laugh, cry some more but one day you'll do a LOT less crying and hurting and a LOT MORE smiling and laughing..dont rush it, it will happen when you are really ready; i still have days i get so angry i cant see straight, but now i can look back and i'm okay with what happened and i know now why it happened and that it was supposed to happen to make me the person i am today! what you are going through is not fair, it is not right, and it shouldnt happen to anyone, but God only gives us the things HE knows we can handle. i promise theres a reason you are having to go through this and you will come out of it a stronger person and mother because of it!
ReplyDeleteI just want to say that I love you, Eli & Ike, a lot!!!!
ReplyDelete